August 3rd

Today is Wednesday August 3rd, today I had to go back to Park Rapids for a dilation, I had been having terrible swelling and pressure in my stomach and chest. I feel great now, but I was disappointed because I was doing so well, and then this had to happen. But its been a crazy week, I started work again, which didn’t go so well but I managed. Ronda is getting her Baha Rally car ready for tomorrow at the fair. I’m really excited to see her race, I hope she does great which I know she will. I have lost nearly 20 pounds since surgery and I honestly have never felt so good, I am still adjusting to certain foods, which I know is very difficult. But I manage, the temptations aren’t all that bad, I know what I can have and that’s it. No ifs, ands, or buts. I don’t want to get sick and I especially don’t want anything to happen, this is permanent and I am not going to screw it up. For me the past few days have brought ups and downs in my life. On the up side I am changing for the better and living a healthier life, but on the down side my heart aches. I know the truth hurts but I can accept the truth, but my heart and soul cannot let go of this feeling inside. It gets harder everyday and everyday I long for something to change. Will it ever? Probably not, but if it should I would be willing to give it a try. In life we all make mistakes but how will we ever know if it’s a mistake unless we do something about it. “You never really know what you have until it is gone” Well let’s move on to another subject, Ronda found her wedding dress and now it’s official that they are going to get married sometime but no date yet, I am so excited because in March my brother Tim and future sister-in-law Jenny are getting married. God it’s going to be crazy but hey no problem. Then I will be the only one without someone by their side. But don’t worry I’m sure I will manage, (I hope). I picture my wedding day all the time, and granted I might change my mind all the time it’s still nice to dream and have something planned out. I think about holidays that are coming up and I realize that I really don’t want to be around for some of them, like Thanksgiving mainly because I won’t eat anything, then Christmas because everyone will be going to their other “families” and I won’t. Then New Years because who am I going to celebrate it with? Then Valentines day, still no one their. Yes I know that is sounds stupid but in my eyes it’s something that runs through my mind all the time. It’s hard when you don’t have that companion like everyone else has, and yes I know I must be patient but my goodness, I can’t stand this sometimes. I do hope that things change in my life and that I make some career decisions and figure out my life. It’s difficult but hey I think I can manage it. I’m in the process of packing, throwing junk away and preparing for another year up in Duluth, the best part Kelsey is going to be living with me!!!! That rocks, like really rocks!!! It will totally amazing with her and I know that we will keep each other in line! She will be my guardian angel, only she isn’t dead!!!!